Defensiveness

Teeth bared, growling, I feel as though I have something to prove. Amidst a community of movers and shakers, I am merely trembling.

It seems these days that everyone is trying to change the world. I have never thought myself capable of that. Why I am not trying: despair, laziness. (Are they perhaps the same thing?)

How can I say to the world: My existence is worth your notice. I have ideas and thoughts too, even if they are on a smaller scale than yours. My experience is real. I am real. I may not be trying to save the world, but I am watching it like you are. You are watching the big things. I am watching the small things.

Why I Want to Post but Never Do

It is a problem of translation. I have lost the ability (if I ever had it in the first place) to translate my thoughts into words. To translate my thoughts into thoughts. To transform a vague, instinctual sense of importance into quantifiable, measurable thought-units. To break down the whirling into elements that my rational mind can understand. To untangle the matted mental hairball into recognizable strings of thought.

I don't have time and I can't be bothered. In the next few days, before I can write or think or tackle the tangle in my mind, I must:

packboxesfactchecksaygoodbyesweepcleanhavemeetingswrapthingsup

But I would rather sit alone and think. Too many thoughts are waiting to form. I want to let them.