Back from an emotional holiday to my glib Cambridge existence. I'm not sure which is worse--feeling too much or feeling too little.
Tonight I was walking in the Square when I caught some lady staring at me. It was because I had been talking to myself--and quite exuberantly too. I think she was somewhat afraid; I was the "crazy" you cross the street to avoid.
I wasn't actually talking to myself but to a group of imaginary rapt listeners. I was explaining to them all the things I wish I could say to the people around me. Talking to people here feels slick and slippery, and you finish unsatisfied; but in conversation with my fantasy audience I can get to the root of things. We hash out ideas, laugh and cry together, really understand each other. It's less fun, though, when you can connect only to imaginary people.
I'm lonely as hell. My family is far away, and I have almost no close friends at Harvard. I miss the fuzzy warmth, the connectedness, the flow of energy you get from being around people you're close to. I spend a lot of time thinking about all the great people I see but don't know. I'm jealous of them and of their beautiful glittery lives that don't intersect with mine. I wish I were the sort of person they'd want to bother to get to know.
My grandmother's funeral will be occurring in Victoria, B.C., in just over 14 hours. I want to feel some sort of commensurate intensity, but I am cold and unsated. Everything seems unreal. I could feel if only I had people to feel with, but I am all alone.
I'm sorry about your grandmother. :(
ReplyDelete-Maya R.w.
You're terribly lucky to have such an awesome family, though... I hope to create a family like that someday. A family very different from the one I actually belong to. They're not all bad, and they do try to be family-like, but they just don't know how, and the only thing that really ties me to them is our bloodline, honestly.
ReplyDeleteI think this is why I can be so friend-clingy at times, and why I am so obsessed with the idea of true friendship. Because that's all I have in this world in terms of meaningful, supportive human connections. But unfortunately, while family is always there, friends are not, and are under no obligation to be so--they come and go as they please, sometimes very unexpectedly, and for inscrutable reasons.
Don't know why I'm blathering so on your comment page right now. Most logical explanation is that I'm in France now, also with no close friends around, just having come from the US, where I was around close friends, and so I feel lonely, too, surrounded by spiffy people who are physically close but emotionally unreachable.